So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
