You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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