I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
