U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
don't judge my taste in strippers
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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