If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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