your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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