I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
