1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we have pet lesbian snakes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
