My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How does it feel to date your dad?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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