he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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