Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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