so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
