my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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