Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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