There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
