Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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