You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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