I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
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Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
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Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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