Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
