the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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