Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
