I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He shit in the fireplace
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
