why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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