He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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