I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
