how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
