clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
