I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
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