In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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