I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
