maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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