as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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