Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
