You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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