How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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