rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
