I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
