And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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