hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
