I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
