I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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