so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the raccoons are back...
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