Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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