My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
