You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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