I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize