Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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