You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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