Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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