I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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