You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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