So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
