I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
