you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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