I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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